In Individuation and Culture

Individuation is no simple task. In fact, individuation can be seen as one of the most important developmental tasks to work towards in order to attain self-knowledge, self-realization and even personal freedom. Individuation is defined as "a process through which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from that of others..." (GoodTherapy.org, 2016 ). While this process is certainly ongoing, it can be particularly difficult in young adulthood, when the overarching questions sound something like "who am I now that I am an adult " and, perhaps more importantly, "who do I want to be?"

At a time when most people are faced with mounting personal and professional responsibilities, it can be quite trying to figure out how to manage everything and prioritize that which is important. This is an even more daunting process when one does not know what exactly is important, how to get it and perhaps most problematically, how to feel good about it. Even more challenging, is when one's most salient role models on how to be "a successful adult" have different priorities and very different rules of how to go about attaining them. 

This is where the process of individuation comes in. Namely, learning how to recognize ones' own inner voice and differentiating that from the internalized opinions or values of others. While learning to recognize one's own voice is a crucial step to self-realization, the trickiest part, in my experience, is learning how to trust and be guided by this voice, so that it is heard above those of all others.

While this process is challenging for most people, individuation is particularly difficult for those folks who come from more collectivist cultures, where the opinions of the family, and particularly, of the elders are valued more than the opinions of the self. In this case, choosing one's own path in life, no matter what it is, can lead to feelings of betrayal and abandonment on both sides. Additionally, in collectivist cultures individuating from one's family of origin not only can be seen as a form of disrespect, but is often deemed to be quite unwise. In the words of Otto von Bismark "only a fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others".

These powerful messages can be quite difficult to disavow, particularly for those who have been conditioned to please and value the wisdom of the collective, above their own. It is precisely this invalidation of the self that can lead to a grave and debilitating fear of making mistakes, no matter how valuable the lesson within. The process of individuation then, requires tremendous courage to not only recognize, trust and pave one's own path, but to make a few mistakes along the way, in hopes of finding that which is truly one's own.

Just Breathe

There certainly is a lot of evidence out there suggesting the myriad of health benefits of cultivating a mindfulness meditation practice. For some of us, however, anything that requires practicing may seem rather daunting, and may feel like just another item on the list of things that we "should do", like exercising or eating healthy. As such, meditation can also be one of the things that we berate ourselves for not doing, or not doing right, and thus making it all the more difficult to initiate.

It does not have to be that complicated, however. Surprisingly often, all it takes is a few minutes of slow deep breaths to slow down our heart rates, loosen our bodies and connect with whatever is right in front of us. The breath is our vehicle to sync back up with our bodies and disconnect from our thinking, planning and judging minds. It gives our bodies the opportunity to relax and brings our systems out of the highly-taxing fight or flight mode, that is characteristic of any stressful work or personal situation. When our inner resources are no longer being taxed by needing to either flee or proverbially and/or literally go to battle, we naturally shift into a more balanced and spacious mode of being, where more of our inner resources are suddenly at our disposal.

By simply taking slow, deep breaths we are literally sending our systems the much needed resources of reassurance and support in order to keep on going! Furthermore, slowing down our breathing gives us the space to truly engage with whatever is physically in front of our eyes, instead of forsaking our only tangible reality for the often-demanding and intangible plans in our heads.